My heart is breaking tonight for my cousin Brandon and his 3 toddlers.  Brandon lost his wife, Melissa, today and his children their mother.  Those precious kids are never going to know what a strong, wonderful, vibrant woman their mother was and how much she loved them.

I also found out that a friend I've had since junior high passed today.  People are dying way too young right now.

I'm choosing not to take it a sign against having my surgery.  My biggest fear?  a blood clot, a stroke, an aneurysm as complication from surgery.  I'm going through with it this time.  I have my first appointment to get the ball rolling on July 5th.  I'm not backing down.

I'm having a seriously shitty day today.  I love it when my oh so loving husband is being a complete an utter ass first thing in the morning.  Nothing like having a fight to start the day off right.  Apparently I ruined his entire weekend and demanded that he go swimming with Zoe rather than do the dishes.  WTF?!?!  So now I guess we have a new arrangement for the laundry.  He is going to do his and I will be doing the rest.  I guess the same will go for dishes and anything else in the house that needs to be done.  If it isn't his he isn't touching it.  I'm so angry and hurt right now.  But then again I'm the horrible selfish person in the relationship and he does all the work so I have no right to complain when he tells me he will hand wash a shirt for me and 3 weeks goes by and it doesn't get done and I make the mistake of mentioning it.  Oh and how dare I suggest the bed gets made in the morning.  So much for trying to teach my daughter some basic housekeeping.  I just don't even know what to think right now.  Christ what I wouldn't give for 10 minutes privacy and a good blade.

I seriously need a ten minute rant out of my system right now.  My husband has seriously screwed up this week and I don't know what I'm more angry about right now, the fact that we are $200+ in the hole from bounced checks because when he tells me he is going to get gas at Sam's club, I take that to mean he is going to use the Sam's Club card, not the debit card.  Or if I'm more angry/hurt over this anniversary fiasco.  I swear to christ every year it is the same let down. I don't know why I even bother to get my hopes up anymore.  He fucking TELLS me he is going to send me flowers at work and then fails to do so.  What's worse is he has the audacity to blame it on me!!!!  Because he supposedly didn't know that I was going to be at work.  What a load of bullshit. He dropped the ball again.  How dare he blame me for his lack of planning?!?!?  Granted it's a moot point because we don't have the money for it anyway. 

Our plans for date night totally fell through beacuse of Z getting sick. I can deal with that.  My sitter isn't available this weekend.  I can deal with that.  It's another year gone by with a crappy fast food dinner and us hardly speaking.  Yay.  Happy fucking anniversary.  I'm just sick of it.  I'm tired of him blaming me for everything.  He gets mad when the I ask him to do the dishes, which haven't been done in over a week, even though we aren't eating at home!!  He bitches that I ask him to do everything.  I give up.  It looks like it's back to I do it or it doesn't get done.  Fucking selfish bastard.  Sometimes I really don't know why I am sticking around in this marriage.  I have thought about leaving on more than one occassion.  The only reason I haven't left is Z.  Sometimes I think she'd be better off without me around anyway.  Maybe they both would.  They could be happy and live how they want without me nagging them to pick up after themselves or help clean the fucking house.  Let him manage the money.  See how badly he is fucking us over by not giving a rats ass where the money is going and eating out every night. 

I just really want to give up and give in and go away right now.  I hate my life right now.  I know it's a passing rage but it isn't any less real.  He just doesn't get why I'd rather be alone in my bedroom than with him.  I fucking hate him right now.  Looking at him makes me so angry I could puke scream and just want to beat the shit out of something.  So I separate myself to keep him safe.  Then he tries to be all lovey dovey and I just want to slug him.  Get the fuck off me!  Leave me alone and get your head out of your ass and DO SOMETHING for a change.

E is for Escaping

E is for Escaping.  Escaping the hum drum of day to day life.  Escaping the chaos of having kids.  Escaping the stress of work.

For me escaping can be something as simple as listening to a favorite piece of music, or just closing my eyes and remembering the feel of the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves from vacation last year.  An escape is just a break from whatever is going on around you and sometimes it is desperately needed.

I meditate, I breathe, I write.  All of those methods help me to escape my bad moods and bring peace to myself.

My favorite escape?  That's easy: Disneyland and California Adventure!  

Since I only get to the parks every year or two, I put together a soundtrack to take me there for a virtual escape.  I listen to the "Remember" fireworks show and it takes me back to my honeymoon.  "Soarin' Over California" let's me fly and helps my mind visual the ride.  Of course there are the fun ride soundtracks too like "Pirates of the Caribbean", the "Haunted Mansion", "Space Mountain" and "California Screamin'".

Whichever track, it gives me a momentary escape from life and puts me back in my happy place for a little while.

D is for Decisions

I've come to realize that life is what you make it.  It's a series of decisions, so good and some bad, but up to you to make.  I saw this on Facebook a few weeks ago and it spoke volumes to me.  I've printed it up and keep it on my desk as a daily reminder of what kind of decisions to make.  This is called "7 Lovely Logics"

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been battling depression, anxiety and borderline personality since I was in high school.  I was one messed up kid and that continued until I was in my twenties.  I still battle with it today, but I now it's the occasional skirmish not a full on war going on inside my head.  I see my anxiety and depression as physical manifestations that I can literally attack.  It helps me to deal with them.  It's a lot easier to shut off something you can visualize than to deal with an abstract.

My therapist used to tell me that it was my decision as to whether I accept and deal with my depression as being part of me or if I let define who I am.  That is a lesson that took a long time for me to learn and I still struggle with it from time to time.  There are a lot times when I want to just give into the depression and crawl into a hole and pull the earth in after me.  But there is a stronger part of me that has decided that isn't a solution.

I have been through some seriously rough patches in my life.  Most people have.  It's how you decide to deal with those rough patches that impacts how your life turns out.  For me, the turning point came when I decided to move to Tempe.

I grew up in Flagstaff and I love it there.  It's a small town and my parents are successful business owners.  What does that mean for a teenager?  Feeling like you live under a microscope.  I decided to truly get out on my own when I was 23.  I decided overnight to pack up and move to Tempe.  I drove down by myself found a job and a place to live and moved two days later.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.  It was one of the most random decisions I made as well.  I think that decision led to a string of events that put me where I am today: married and a mother.

In 2000, I was in a car accident and broke my neck.  I had a C2 fracture and was paralyzed.  My doctor told me it was up to me whether I walked again.  He could only do so much.  I made the decision that I was going to walk out of the hospital.  I think it was at that point that I realized that I was being so self indulgent with my depression and it was time to grow up.  I wasn't going to let the injury to my neck make me less of a person.  I was stronger than that.  After a successful surgery and weeks of rehab, I did walk out of the hospital.

I also decided to move back to Phoenix a few months later.  When I did I met my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.

The end of last year and for most of January, I gave into the depression and let it reign.  I gave into the anxiety and like a living monster, it kept me trapped in my house for over a month.  I finally made the decision to get the help I needed, to get new meds and a new therapist and to deal with the losses I've had over the last two years that crushed me when I finally let them in.

In February I decided to get help.  In March, I decided to put a real effort into losing weight and getting fit.  I decided that it's important for my daughter to have a good example to follow.  I want her to make healthy decisions in her life and to see that depression doesn't win.  I believe that it is inevitable that she is going to end up with my genes and therefore issues with her weight, depression and anxiety.

I also made the decision to reach out to my friends I had cut myself off from.  I've rarely felt more vulnerable than I have making that first tentative contact, reaching out to people that I know my actions have hurt and asking forgiveness.  But I've been lucky that my friends are a forgiving lot and so far, I've reconnected with the people that meant the most to me when I was younger and are still important to me now.  The relationships have changed, we've grown up and grown apart, but they are still here and still willing to give me another chance at being a friend.

So I'm taking baby steps, but I finally feel like I'm making good decisions again and that if I continue to do so, that I will be ok with being happy and I will be healthy and I will be a good mother with a strong, healthy, confident daughter.

C is for Chaos of Parenting

I'm starting the April 2012 A-Z blogging Challenge as a good exercise for my writing and to get into the habit of blogging.  The Wednesday Hodgepodge is a great start, but this should drive me a little more.




I'm a couple of days late in getting started, but c'est la vie right?  Today I'm blogging about the chaos of being a parent.  As Soleil Moon Frye puts it in her book, it's a "Happy Chaos".  When we first had Miss Z, I read all the books I could find, joined the birth clubs online and tried to prepare myself.  We decided to get Miss Z on a schedule as soon as possible.  To an extent that worked, but let's face it, there is no such thing as a true schedule with babies or toddlers.  You can put them on a schedule for sleeping and eating, but everything in between can pure chaotic joy.

My favorite times are when she starts random games with us out of no where and generally with no warning.  She has a great imagination and is always making up songs, dances and games.  Last night she came in to sing me a "lullaby" to make me feel better. It was more like a rock song complete with arm movements and an air guitar solo, but it was great.

This morning was a perfect example of how something that seems as normal as getting ready for school can turn into utter chaos at the flip of a hat.  This morning, Miss Z crawled into bed and snuggled up with me which was wonderful.  We played around a little with her stuffed animals she brought with her and had a good tickle match.  She was happy and compliant while we were getting dressed until it came time to put on her socks.

I'm not sure why she freaks out at putting on her socks.  I know that she can do it.  She knows she can do it. There are morning where she gets ready with essentially no assistance from me or her dad.  She's 4 1/2 so I don't think that's unreasonable.  Today however, when we got to the socks, she went into total meltdown mode.  It took approximately 20 minutes, 2 pairs of sock and 3 pairs of shoes to get her calmed down and her shoes on, sans socks.

We try to let Miss Z. make choices whenever possible.  It gives her a sense of control and makes her much more compliant when we set limits and tell her no.

My question at this point is how much is too much when it comes to indulging in your child's whims to get her through a tough morning?  How do you control the chaos with your kids?  Do you just put your foot down and say, "this is how it's going to be" or do you try and reason with your kids and give them the freedom to choose?

Wendesday Hodgepodge

1. What's the last job you did that required elbow grease?
Scrubbing down my kitchen.  We have a really bad habit of using our breakfast bar as a general drop off spot.  I have limited counterspace as it is, but last week I really scrubbed the whole kitchen down, did all the dishes and cleared the counter.  It only lasted until I made dinner that night.


2. March Madness, aka the men's Division I basketball championship, is nearing an end...what sort of 'madness' has your house seen this month?


Not much.  Everyone has been sick.  Does that count?


3. What's your favorite shop for browsing?


I do most of my browsing online.  Amazon and Woman Within are my favorite places to browse.  If I'm out and about, probably Kirklands or Bed Bath and Beyond.


4. Is there ever a time when giving up makes sense?


Yes, giving up smoking was a good thing for me.  Also, sometimes when I'm in a battle of wills with my 4 year old, it just makes sense to give up and not push it with her.  "I'm not going to argue with you" tends to work pretty well when I've decided I'm giving up on convincing her of something she doesn't want to accept.


5. What's a song you love that contains the name of a city, state or country in its title?


Gotta go with Hotel California on this one.


6. When did you first begin using a computer?


I think I was in second or third grade, so 83ish?  I remember playing Oregon Trail and by the time I was in 6th grade, I was keeping the teacher's gradebook in a spreadsheet for her.  That should have been a tip off I was meant to work on computers, not be a writer.


7. Did you buy girl scout cookies this year? What's your favorite?


Nope we didn't buy any this year.  I think it's sad that the girls aren't allowed to go door to door anymore.  I get e-mails from people with kids in girl scouts, but no on I see on a regular basis.  Miss Z. will be there soon enough!


8. Insert your own random thought here.

This week has been a little hectic.  Lots of doctors appointments and shopping.  I have an interview today that I'm just not sure how it's going to go.  I've been in a funk and I'm hoping I can pull out my good personality to shine through.  I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work even though I really need to.

Wednesday Hodgepodge

In an effort to get into blogging more frequently and about stuff other than dreams and the crazy stuff going through my head, I'm joining up with the Wednesday Hodgepodge.


I know that there aren't a lot people reading my blog and I'm perfectly ok with that.  This is an exercise to help me with my writing and inspiration.


1. The first day of spring is here-do you enjoy working in the yard? Weeding, raking, mowing, planting...your favorite springtime garden chore? How about your least favorite?


The last 7 years we've lived in homes with desert landscaping, i.e. gravel, so there hasn't been yard work, other than pulling weeds (ick).  I'm looking forward to starting a flower garden with my daughter this year.  She wants to grow Sunflowers, which are both of our favorite flowers.  Our current house has raised flower beds that I'm going to remove the rocks from and plant seedlings.


2. What puts a spring in your step?


Knowing that we'll be able to start swimming in the next couple weeks and seeing the sun out later in evenings.


3. Describe a time when you had to spring into action.


The first time my daughter decided to go "swimming."  We were sitting on the top step of our pool, just sticking our feet in to see if it was warm enough to start swimming yet.  Miss Z. was about 6 months old and she "dove" straight in.  It scared the life out of me, but she popped back up to the surface all smiles and knew we had a natural swimmer on our hands.  I still had to go into the pool after her because she managed to get out from the steps about 3 feet into the pool with her dive.  Needless to say, she started swimming lessons within the next couple of weeks and is now a great swimmer.


4. We're having carrots for dinner...would you prefer yours raw or cooked?


Grilled or broiled.  They are good steamed too.  For snacking, definitely raw though.


5. Do you take the shampoos and other sundries from your hotel room when its time to check out?


Nope.  I rarely use them and bring my own.  It's a hazard of having parents who own a salon.  I'm picky about what I use on my hair.  Sometimes I'll snag the lotions though.


6. What's the most enjoyable team or club you've belonged to and what was it that made it so?


I've been with many different service organizations.  I think there are two that stick out in my mind as having been the most fun and influential on me.  The first was the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, a Masonic service organization.  I learned more about being a leader and made more friends there that are still in my life.  There were trials and tribulations as only a group of teenage girls can have, but it was still one of the most supportive groups I've been a part of.


The other was band.  Yes, I was a total band geek and proud of it.  Band also taught me leadership, competition, and pride (maybe too much pride).  I blossomed in band and it was an excellent way for me to show artistic talent.  The saxophonists in our band all four years were some of my best friends who stood by me with all the crap I was going through in high school.  


7. Is cloning a sign of progress?


I believe it is.  The world has made so many advances medically, scientifically and technologically in the last 50 years.  The ability to clone body parts is going to mean extended lives for millions if stem cell research is allowed to progress.  I don't agree with the idea of cloning a person to be used as an organ donor, but I fully support stem cell research and the use of cord blood to "clone" or grow individual organs in a lab.


Will I eat a cloned sheep or cow?  That's a different story.  I think that genetically manipulating anything we put into our bodies that isn't a medical necessity is not right.  I may be getting off more into farmers adding hormones to their cattle or genetically producing fruit that lasts longer, but it still is not healthy.  


8. Insert your own random thought here. 


My random thought for today . . . If you are on FB and playing a game where your neighbors rely on your assistance, do accept all the help requests that come through on your list or pick and choose based on what you need to complete your goals first?


Personally, I just click them all.  Spread the love right?
  

Reflections and general life stuff

I'm enjoying some quiet time today.  James and Z are napping.  Somehow it is different when it's quiet and there are people in the house, and quiet from my day to day when I'm home alone. It's more comforting now, when they are here.  There is a crackling fire in our fireplace for the first time since we moved in.  It's been raining off and on all day.  It's been a cozy kind of day. 

Zoe helped James make breakfast this morning.  I'm still a little nervous about her being around the stove, but she is becoming quite proficient at making scrambled eggs, once they are in the pan.  She insisted on having the bread "peels" for her toast this morning.  James explained they were called "heels" but she said she liked "peels" better.  She definitely does not lack for self confidence.

We spent the morning doing puzzles and while I was working on taxes (ick) and James was cleaning the kitchen (bless him!).  It was morning of laughter and cuddling and just cozy.  I need that right now.

I found out my cousin Uraina's youngest son died last week.  I don't know the details, but I'm saddened for her loss and can only imagine the pain she is going through.  I'm sad that that I didn't even know she had another son.  I haven't seen her since our grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I've never met her kids, and given how I feel about her father, may not ever see her again.  That's just how things tend to go, especially on my dad's side of the family.  I'm glad that I have a connection to Jim now, even if it's mostly virtual.  It makes me feel better to know that at least one of my dad's brother's is nearby to him.

I just feel like I've lost so much of my family in the last couple of years.  I am so grateful that my parents are so involved in our lives and with Zoe.  It makes me sad to know that she barely knew Gloria and probably won't remember my nana or grandma much longer.  I'm so thankful that she has her aunt Lorri and uncle Louis, and that my brother is such an awesome uncle to her as well.  It's the one thing that is helping he and I to have a somewhat better relationship. 

There are times that I would like nothing better than to sit Jason down and just talk to him.  I want to make him understand that how sorry I am for how I treated him when I was younger and how proud of him I am now and how much I want to get to know him.  I want to know what he thinks of me and just have him get it out of his system.  I hate the fact that I'm hesitant to ever call him because I don't know if he'll take my call or if he'll rip my face off.  I wonder if he realizes how much he means to me.  My guess is probably not.

Ok I'm getting a bit maudlin here.  Time to get back to taxes and enjoying the peace and quiet. 

Full Moons

I'm feeling a little surreal right now.  It's odd enough I've reconnected with Plaid, saw him, and got a new piercing.  What's even crazier?  I reconnected with Christian and Rob and possibly even Locke.  The three other guys the were most important to me for so many years.  It's been at least 6 or 7 years since I've seen most of them.  I cut myself off so completely from the early 2000's on.  All I need now is Nancy to walk back into my life and things will have come full circle.


I've made some really really good changes the last few weeks.  I'm on new meds (huzzah!), I'm reaching out,  I'm working out, I'm eating better.  I'm just hoping that it isn't too much all at once.  I feel great, but the negative part of my brain is still waiting for the crash.  I've been a little weepy today.  I actually choked up when I got Christian's post on FB today.  Maybe it is just nostalgia.  I don't know.   I've been so afraid to reach out to anyone because I was afraid they hated me.  But I think in a lot of respects I beat myself up and projected feelings that just weren't there.  I made the decision to cut people out of my life.  They didn't leave until I pushed.  The true friends are the ones still there and willing to give me another chance.


Christ I sound like a recovering addict or something making amends.  I guess in someways, I am.  I'm making amends to myself.  I am giving myself another chance to have real friends I can interact with outside of the Internet.  Talking to everyone is giving me closure too.  I've had all these people I think about constantly from my past and wondering if I have totally screwed up and if anyone would forgive me for being such a screwed up bitch.  Seeing comments, or playing games online even is enough for me right now.  I feel a lot of shame for mistakes I've made in the past and seeing some of the people I've reconnected with is going to be difficult.  I'm embarrassed about my weight for one, but more importantly I'm ashamed of how I let things end with most of these people.  I want the chance to say I'm sorry and hopefully move on.  With some people, like Desi and Edith, it's easy to pick up where we left off.  Maybe it'll be that way with Christian too. 


I just feel relieved.  Like I can give myself a break for a change and stop worrying about how my friends think of me or if they think of me.  


I hope this lasts.  I hope this isn't just a full moon syndrome coming on.  Time will tell I guess.

Dreamlog

I had the weirdest set of dreams this morning.  They were interwoven as usual but ranged on everything from Halloween to high school and marching band.

It started with my cousin D calling to let me know she was going to this Halloween carnival up in Scottsdale with the kids and asking if I wanted to come and bring Z.  I said I would, but didn't really want to, just knew that I needed to.

I was living in a house with my mom and dad, husband and daughter, and my brother.  The weirdness started when my mom and dad and I were in the kitchen and there was a Mexican man about 5'7" with long brown hair in a denim work shirt, jeans and work boots walking down the street with a blonde boy, maybe 6 or 7 years old, yelling that he was selling the child.  The kid looked scared.

The neighbors across the street, (one of those anonymous people you "know" but don't really know who they are) said he was going to call the cops and the guy abandoned the kid and ran.

The next day, we were in the kitchen again and mom and dad were talking about how dad had to go to the Halloween carnival to work.  I was trying to figure out why in the world he would be working at this party/carnival for his company when we saw the same guy come down the street again.  This time, he had the same boy, but the kid was in a costume.  It reminded me of the skeletons from the Dia de los Muertes celebrations.  The skeletons that are up on poles, but this was like the kid was on stilts covered in a sheet that said "Boo!"

Dad was taking pictures in the kitchen and the guy came up to our window and asked if could borrow the camera to take a picture of his son.  Dad said yes and handed him the camera.  The guy snapped a picture and then ran off with the camera.  Dad went outside and ran after him.  Meanwhile, I call the police.

The conversation with the police dispatcher was so odd.  She seemed totally disinterested that this man had stolen the camera or been seen with this boy twice and was trying to sell him.  I was frustrated trying to have this conversation while my brother, who was maybe 10 in this dream was having his friends over and they kept running through my room to get to his room.

Then the dream morphed into me wandering into the band room at FHS and the soppiest scene.  Half the band was there, the lights were low and they were holding hands crying.  I was trying to figure out what was going  on.  I could hear the Halloween party happening in the commons and see the strobe light flashes.  It turned out that the student council president/drum major was resigning in protest.  She was trying to push for a ban on seminary studies being allowed for the Mormon kids because it was off campus.  Everyone was upset and infuriated.  I ended up convincing her to drop it for the night because that was something that would need to be taken up at a district level, not a school council level.

I kept trying to go get into my band uniform, but every time I left the room, I'd end up back in my bedroom with the wrong things to put on.  I was so frustrated!  There were so many people in my dream that I haven't seen or thought of in years.  It was funny to see the band director so pissed off though.

Then there was this scene of a party on the ceiling with the characters from Big Bang Theory and the rest of the details are fading now.  I do know there was this one crazy dance between me and Spencer up on the ceiling.

I'm so ready for my mind to let me out of high school and out of the past.  Let me live in the now and be an adult already.  I have resolved those issues, but anytime I feel stress or I'm working through my stress and anxiety in my dreams, I'm thrown right back into high school and marching band.

Vampires and High School

I've managed to get myself hooked on "The Vampire Diaries" and I've been catching up on the first two seasons on Netflix.  It's still not Buffy or Angel, but it's good.  There are definitely parallels between the two universes/storylines/love triangles.

It's really interesting to me all the different takes on vampire lore.  Everything from the original "Dracula" legends to Jim Butcher's vampire courts in the Dresden Files series, to Anne Rice's "Lestat", Joss Whedon's "Buffyverse", and Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series.  Now there is a "new" lore for Vampire Diaries.

They all fall back to one thing though, that a) vampires exist and b) there are still the original vampires out there somewhere.  I have to wonder how much time these writers spend researching the various myths, legends, and lore around the vampire, or if they just are doing a basic spin off of Dracula.  The idea that vampires are real is intriguing.  I know that there are people living that are into blood drinking.  Personally, I believe that psychic vampires are much more likely and present and not undead.  It's the whole walking dead thing I have trouble believing.

I can remember starting in second or third grade and voraciously reading anything I could get my hands on regarding ghosts.  Yes I was a weird child.   I don't know why I was drawn to them.  There is just something fun about scaring yourself I guess.  Why else do we tell scary stories around campfires?  I used to check the same book out from the school library about various ghosts just to look at the pictures.  Oddly enough I didn't discover Anne Rice until I was out of high school.

I want to get back into writing.  I think the journaling I'm doing for my therapist is helping urge that on.  I just have no idea what I'd be writing about right now.  I'd love to do more research on faerie lore and other occult topics.  I just don't know that I can come up with an idea that would original enough to be read by others.  I need to be looking for a job, not writing. 

And speaking of high school . . . So I finally got onto Facebook (yikes) and I feel awkward reaching out to the people I went to school with. I'm realizing I have a pattern that when I leave someplace, I completely cut that part of my life off.  I left school and didn't really have anyone I kept in touch with.  I was such a friggin' mess.  I was as usual wrapped up in my own shit and let's face it, but I didn't really give anyone a reason to stay in touch with me.  I was not a good person.  Not to myself and not to others.  I fell apart in high school.  D completely fucked up my life and I didn't do anything to take control of my life back until years later.

It makes me happy to see people that I cared about doing well for themselves.  I'm sad that I look back on who I was and how many people I hurt.  It's been 12 years since I graduated and no one has really reached out to me.  It's difficult for me not to take that as a sign to just let it go and come to the determination that people don't want me in their lives.  I just want a chance to make amends, to catch up, and maybe show them I am different than I was.

There is still the little evil me in the back of my head whispering that I haven't changed.  That I am the same person.  That I don't deserve friends or love, etc. etc.  That voice needs to be silenced.  The self doubts I have are only a hindrance.  I know that I am a different person.  A better person.

I would not have a husband and daughter if I hadn't changed.  They help make me a better person every day.  And every day I thank the Goddess that they are in my life and are the rocks that keeps me grounded and sane.

Up All Night . . . Again

I'm in turmoil right now.  I was relieved and actually pretty happy at being let go.  But it's sinking in that I may not have my severance until after Thanksgiving.  I can't figure out what I want to do. 


Ideally, I'd stay home, go back to school, get my Oracle certification and have Z. home with me at least part time.  I've found the courses I need to prep for my certification.  It would only take 2 semesters and less than $1000.  But if I'm going to to do this, I want to do it right.  There are a lot of good business courses out there and Technology Professionals classes I could definitely benefit from.  It would be nice to come out of this with an actual degree, not just prepared for a certification.


It's daunting to think about going back as a full time student at 35 though.  My little brother has been a good inspiration on me.  He knows what he wants and he's going for it.  He definitely does not lack the courage of his convictions and he's going to make an awesome lawyer.  He has always been a stronger person than me though.  I don't think he knows it, or how I look up to him.  Or how sorry I am and how much regret I have for our childhood.  


Everybody is wigging that I haven't started an intense job search.  My take on this?  My severance, even after taxes, is enough to cover our rent through June easily.  We can live off hubby's paycheck easily.  In the last two years, I've worked more nights and weekends and holidays.  I'm not motivated to go back to work right away.  


The problem is I have a complete lack of motivation for just about anything right now.  I was buzzed at the prospect of free time to unpack and to spend time with Z.  After the whirlwind of the week after getting laid off, I was literally knocked on my rear and spent a week in bed.  This week?  I've spent it in front of the computer.  Gaming, researching schools, gaming, and wiki-walking and not sleeping, or sleeping all day.   If I take anything to help me sleep, I sleep all day.  If I don't, I'm up all night.  Being as it's 2:30 in the morning looks like it's going to be another up all night.  I just realized that other than going into the backyard to watch Z on her trampoline, I haven't left the house since the 29th.


I need to get off the roller coaster.  My S.A.D. is here.  I feel angry or asleep on my feet.  The new meds are not working.  Or maybe they are and it's just me that's broken.  I need to find a new shrink.  I've needed to find a new shrink for a long time.  Again, I lack motivation.  Or more likely I just don't want to look that deep into myself right now.  It isn't pretty.  I look at myself physically and try to look into myself mentally and I'm disgusted either way.  I'm just feeling ugly and grotesque right now.  I don't know if I want to go through the motions of finding another doc to talk to, to trust, or what I expect to gain.


In all the years I saw Julie, we talked about everything and I trusted her, but she gave up on me.  She told me she couldn't help me anymore.  I don't see that as a failure on her part, but one on mine, because I didn't know what I wanted.  I still don't.  Maybe it is time to figure that out first.  


I just really need some support, someone I can trust, and gods above what I wouldn't give for a little guidance right now.  Everyone has an opinion, but no one really offers any guidance.  I feel childish wanting somebody to turn me in the right direction.  Not tell me what to do, but just point me in the right direction and help me a little along the way.  Give me a word of encouragement now and then.  


It's times like these when I can understand why Christians turn to God and faith to help them get through their trials, or why addicts have sponsors.  Is there a 12-step program to get people through depression?  Can I have a sponsor to talk to, someone to support me through the rough times without getting uncomfortable or wigging out?

Downsized and Dreams

This has been the weirdest year.  I'm just not sure what to make of anything anymore.  So my year to date . . . 

• Mother-in-law died
• Grandma died
• Met my sister-in-law
• We lost the house
• We moved into a rental packing 5 years up in about 3 weeks
• Went on vacation that was just fun, but just off.
• A friend I've had for going on 14 years, but haven't talked to in 4 contacted me out of the blue.
• Had at least 2 major management changes at work
• Worked an insane number of hours again throughout the year
• Went through crazy management changes, replacing the worst manager I've ever worked with with her mini-me
• Was laid off on 10/24/2011 due to an effort to decrease spending in my division.

I just don't know what to expect anymore.  I had a very very strong feeling that I was going to be laid off.  The pressure that was put on me to finish my knowledge transfer in the 2 weeks between moving and vacation and in the week since I've been back was just insane.  I put in 116 hours in the 2 weeks before going on vacation working on documentation and training.  

But the bottom line?  I'm relieved.  I'm relieved to be done with the stress of having so much on my plate.  I'm relieved that I don't have to feel like I'm being second guessed on what I'm doing.  I'm relieved that I might get my friendship back with T.  

Most of all, I'm excited at the idea of spending time with Zoe and being a mom and wife.  One of my highest priorities for the new job?  It has to give me time for a work/life balance and time to be a mom.  

The second priority?  I get to break stuff and find bugs.  I really want to continue with UAT/QA/Development.  If I had the money, I'd pay to go out to San Diego and do the Blaze training myself. I loved what I was learning in interpreting the FICO code.  I want to continue with that.  I want to continue working in PL/SQL and improving my skills until I can do complex database design and programming and be a developer.  I want to learn new SQL tools.  I want to learn new programs to help with designing and implementing test cases.

There is a part of me that is wondering about going back to school in the fall and being a full time student.  Could I get the aid and/or loans to do it?  Do I have the self discipline to finish this time?  Will I learn what I need to in order to be competitive?

I feel like most of this year I've been waiting for the "other shoe" to drop.  I think it finally has.  It's like this whole year has been building up to this.

There is also a little part of me that is just sitting back and chuckling wanting to hear how seriously screwed up things at work get.  In a perfect world the newbies would pick up and take off immediately and it would be seamless.  In reality, they just lost 3 years of knowledge and 1 of two people that had a clue about FICO the BRE outside the dev team and the only one on the team that had 95% of the business rules memorized.

I slept today for the first time in weeks.  My mistake was picking up a really good book on my Nook last night.  There is a part of me that misses kink so much I could just scream.  This book of course was about kink.  It's more about the psychology and thoughts behind it than the blatant sexuality like most bodice rippers.

Needless to say it led to some crazy dreams.  Nothing will get the picture of Andre Leon Talley dressed in a blue kimono and a crescent moon headpiece/hat/looks-like-it-should-be-in-cirque and light blue shimmery facepaint appearing in my door and hearing someone asking him "Andre are you truly ready to spread your butterfly wings for the first time?", out of my memory for a while.

How a crescent moon equates to a cocoon is dream logic to me. 

I think there really was a series of dreams that all kind of ran into each other.  One was about a metal foundry that was under our condo from vacation.  The floor was so hot, I dropped a hammer and it went right through the floor.  When the hammer hit the floor it set off a chain reaction that ended up with a major explosion, not at our condo, but at the foundry owner's mansion.  There was sulfur being used to color the glass being made using the heat from the molten metal.  It made the glass poisonous and if the glass shattered and hit the molten metal, it would cause poison gasses to expand, eventually leading to the floor of our condo melting.

We chased the suspect glass all the way back to the owner's mansion, but that was in smoking ruins by the time we got close.

So while we were trying to get close, I ended up walking through the street pushing Zoe in an umbrella stroller.  She was maybe 15-18 months old.  We were at some kind of street carnival and she was trick-or-treating from inside the stroller.  We went past one stand that had bins of candy, but they were all drug laced.  The stereotypical Latino drug pushers were mad because I avoided them and started to chase us.  It was a ruse though.  They were really trying to help me get to the metal owner's house.

There was a car chase in these Smart Car looking funky automobiles through Escherland, but we finally ended up in this area with all these mansions.  I don't know even know if I can describe it.  Picture a chessboard with alternating shades of light green and dark green grass as the squares.  On each square was an amazing property.  Castles and mansions and lakes.  All of them ha a grass walkway around the back side of the property and all of them had a pool.  Of course as I pushed the stroller by, synchronized swimmers dove off a multitude of diving boards into the water.

Until we got to this one house.  The had a slip-n-slid instead of a diving board.  The dad was sliding into the pool, but he kind of missed and ended up knocking Z and I onto the slip-n-slide instead, with his foot literally up my rear.

I went inside to clean up and ran into his son.  I was in my 20s again and so was the son, so all was well.  From there it was like watching an episode of "Revenge".  Son was interested in art, not going to work for his dad, i was helping to facilitate that interest.  The matriarch of the clan was a senator.  There was a teenage daughter and a young son about Z's age.  The mother was a socialite, very unhappy, and dominated by her Mother-in-Law the Senator.

At some point in the dream, my hubby and I started fighting.  That's where things started to get kinky.  Half this dream I was married and the other half I was not.  During the "not" part, the kid, I think he was going by Danny, and I was were madly in love, but it was forbidden love because the matriarch didn't approve.  Danny and I decided that we didn't give a damn and it was time to change things.

So we ended up at a condo his friend owned.  This was going to be a training party.  Danny and I had never had sex so we were going to at this party.  There was initially only one other couple.  It was one of those dream things where you "know" them but don't really have a clue who they are.  They were definitely into Dom/Sub role when we arrived.  I immediately went sub and followed the dom's command to disrobe.  Somehow this meant leaving a black nightie though.

Danny was naked though.  Things were about to get started when Andre showed up.  From there it got weird.  There was this incredible erotic energy to the dream, but no sex.  There was something about having to make a run to the grocery store for lube and having to hold thin slices of slimy cucumber in my mouth while on my hands and knees.  A nurse showed up to give everyone flu shots, but kept giving me shots incorrectly and whipped me with a belt because I was moving to much when she tried to give me a shot.

There was more to it, but it's fading out.  I do remember hubby leaving me stranded at our condo to finish packing while he took Z to Disneyland.  I was not happy about that.  Especially since it was November and snowing.

There was more to these dreams, but I woke up with one hell of a headache,  frustrated and unsatisfied.  

Yep I need to get back into therapy.

Regression . . .

Tonight I feel like I've been transported back 20 years. I'm 15 feeling like a freak and not able to understand why I feel so shitty. I want to hurt someone. I want to feel pain. Tonight I want a lighter and a razor blade. Tonight I want to bleed and wallow in self pity. I want to feel the pain and confusion inside burst out of me in a rush of crimson.

Tonight I want to be selfish. But I think of my toddler seeing that side of me and I'm crushed all over again. I'm scared to death I'll see her go through the anguish, pain and rage I feel right now. I don't want to ever see the hatred I feel against myself reflected in her eyes.

I know in an hour, a day, a week, soon I'll feel better and be thankful I didn't cut and that life really is better.

But right now I want to bleed.

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Dreamlog 03182011

I laid down for a while this afternoon and was listening to a book when I fell asleep. I had the most bizarre dreams, more so than usual anyway. I can't tell how much of it was dream and how much of it came from the book. I'll have to get further into the book to determine that. The dreams ran together and jumped around. They involved people I hadn't thought of in years.

I was once again living with an old college roommate that made my life miserable (CB). In the dream we were friends (this will not ever happen in real life). She was dating a friend of mine that I've known since preschool (ND), but haven't talked to since high school (has it really been 17 years?). I was helping track a serial killer (as is the lead in the book) but ended up at this asylum. Things shifted back and forth from first to third person rapidly during the dream. The serial killer was one disturbed man. He would take people and bind their hands and legs, then lock them up in a old broken down deep freeze for days. Then he would return and would use their bodies as twisted canvases, putting pins in them to make "art", singeing the skin with a handheld blow torch.

At the asylum was a girl named Annie. She was 19-23ish, tall, waifishly thin, red hair in a pixie cut, and wearing a dark green gingham dress that hung off her. It looked like the pictures you see in of girls during the depression, the baggy dresses just hanging off of them. She was not insane, but could touch things and see/feel everything that object had been used for. She found a pin used by the killer and tried to tell her partner about it. He had her committed because she would either go into a semi-catatonic state followed by losing consciousness, or just writhe on the ground screaming from the pain she experienced from all the other people that had been burned and then murdered.

At times I was seeing this 3rd party, other times I was Annie. I was begging for someone to please understand I was sane and I knew where the killer was. I knew that he had killed his father and thrown him in a pond on the family's property. I knew how many dozens of people he had tortured, but no one would listen. I knew he was living on his family's property. It used to be a farm or an orchard. There was a barn and the stereotypical white farmhouse with the porch that wraps all the way around. Both were falling into disrepair.

In the day room at the asylum, there was a large fireplace, with round river rocks creating a decent size hearth and surrounding the firebox. The firebox had a gas insert with the logs that don't really burn, but the gas flames blow around them. There was a bulletin board that was covered in a tightly woven green mesh underneath a 2 shelves set high on either side of the fireplace. I kept seeing the pins woven in and out of it, like the killer wove them in and out of his victims. I had to get the pins out and give them to the police. I tried climbing up to them, but every time I'd get close to the fireplace, someone would pull be back. Eventually I just floated up to the pins and pulled them from the bulletin board. The fear and pain from the victims and the blood lust, rage and sense of a child fearing for his life overwhelmed me until I laid on the floor just crying and screaming, holding the pins in my hands.

Then I was outside. I was climbing in this huge sycamore tree. Somehow it was grafted together with a banana tree. I do remember commenting on it to a friend saying how weird it was that bananas were growing in that particular climate. (I'm not sure what the "climate" was. Sometimes it seemed somewhere back east, sometimes it seemed we were in Flagstaff, sometimes it seemed like we were in Texas). The tree was overhanging the pond where the killer's father could be seen floating upright, chains crisscrossing his waist and arms. We had called the police and they were pulling the body out. Someone was finally taking Annie seriously.

I remember flashes of what the killer looked like. He reminded me a lot of Vincent D'Onofrio's character "Edgar" from MIB.

I don't remember much more than that. There was a conversation with my roommate and her boyfriend about how weird it was that we all lived together again and that the sexual situation was odd, but OK. I remember telling them about what I had experienced as "Annie" and ND asked me not to talk about it when CB was around because she was easily upset. I didn't realize that she was in the room when I had been talking. She came over and had these turtles that you put on your door to show you were supporting some cause, like the shamrocks you can buy for a dollar to support Muscular Dystrophy. I had one that everyone in my family had signed and she was telling me it was all wrong and that wasn't how it was supposed to look and I had managed to rip the head off of hers so she was upset.

That was about when I woke up.

It's always interesting to me who shows up in my dreams: my family, generally my parents who I'm either getting advice from or fighting with; people from my past that I have good memories of, but haven't thought of in years; people that I have some sort of traumatic association with and/or that made my life a living hell when I was in high school or college mostly. I also dream of friends I think of often but see rarely, perhaps in an effort to atone for my past mistakes. It's much easier to gain forgiveness from someone in my subconscious than in real life. Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to let it go.

Oddly enough I rarely dream of work or the issues I'm experiencing there.

Then there are the regular dream themes. I have a lot of anxiety dreams, mostly about being in marching band, where I don't know the music or where I'm supposed to go; dreams of my daughter getting lost or kidnapped or hurt; dreams of fighting with my husband; dreams/memories of being paralyzed again; nightmares of fighting off a faceless attacker; being bound and gagged and blindfolded (and not in a good way) and feeling helpless and lost.

There are also repetitive locations for my dreams. North Morton Dormitory, the Skydome for marching band competitions, the nameless asylum from any good horror movie is a frequent location, and my high school as it would look if it had been abandoned for a good 10-15 years: falling down ceiling tiles, blinking florescent tube lights, dripping water, green tiled bathroom with rust/blood and toilet paper strewn all over the place.

I seriously wish I could record my dreams for playback and show someone else how screwed up my head is sometimes. My husband is always amused by my dreams. They are so vivid and I remember so much detail usually. But they always lose something in the telling. To be able to show them visually to another person would rock. Maybe someday.

January Funk

I'm in a funk right now. I'm completely burnt out at work and there is something going on with my blood sugars/medications. Every afternoon around 4:30 I start getting really nauseated, cold sweats and dizzy. My blood sugars are in a normal range during this time, so I know I'm not crashing. I'm just not sure what to think. Maybe my body thinks I'm crashing since my BSL were running so high last month? New meds seem to finally be working, but I'm much more sensitive to carb intake than I was. I think it will be a good thing in the end. I don't like the highs and crashes. I almost think my previous meds were working too well and letting me ignore my carb intake because they were working to stabilize my sugars.

I should be totally stoked right now. I'm going to see "Wicked" in 2 days, something I've wanted to do for years. I just get a feeling that something is going to go awry. Doom and Gloom. Never a good thing.

My circadian rhythms are really hosed right now and I think that is also playing into why I'm feeling so funky. My work schedule has been so erratic the last few months, I can't seem to get to sleep before 3 am anymore. Then I get up at 8 and try to work, but get tired and end up taking a nap. It used to be that I could take a 20 minute nap and feel fine. Now unless I get a couple of hours sleep, I'm useless. I woke up early yesterday to get Z ready for school and had a doctor's appointment at 10:45. I went back to get ready for it at 9:15ish and fell asleep. I woke up at 4. I called J to have him pick up Z, then slept again until almost 10pm. WTF? That isn't normal.

I don't know. Maybe just everything from the last couple of months is catching up with me, plus post holidays blues. I've done really good to manage my stress and keep my depression at bay for the last year. I just need to get over this hump. Maybe this weekend will help.

I'm putting together things to keep me busy and give me something to look forward to intentionally so that I don't get into a post-activity slump, but I'm not sure it's working. I need a nice long vacation and some fun. A weekend away will help, but I want something bigger. I dream of Disneyland at least 3-4 times a week. It's been over a year since we've been. I want to take Z again. Until we get the house sold and/or move, I just don' think it's going to happen though. Maybe in the fall.

Brain Dumps and Time

I haven't blogged or journaled in a long time.  I've had a series of online journals and a couple of blogs, but I can't want to return to those.  They are a depressing view of the last 12 years of my life.  A chapter that ended 5 years ago.

I'd like to think I've grown up since then.  That I've matured and grown as a person and professionally.  Sometimes I'm not so sure though.

I was reading through some rants I did about a job I worked at in the early 2000's and the complaints and issues I had then aren't too different than the ones I have now.  I'm not sure what to think. 

All I know for sure is that right now, I need a place to get my thoughts out of my head.  I don't want to do Facebook.  I use twitter to read what other people are doing and to post the randomness in my life.  But this is going to be a better place for longer brain dumps.

That is what I need in my life right now.  A major brain dump.  I need to take all the frustration and stress and dump it out someplace.  I live a relatively solitary life.  I don't have friends outside my family.  I hold a lot in because I don't have people outside my family to talk to.  They aren't the most unbiased resources when I'm looking for advice.  Although I can generally count on my mom to give me a differing opinion than my own, which is helpful.  But sometimes I just need somwhere to rant and dump my frustrations.  I don't care who reads it or doesn't read it.  It's not important.  This is for me.  My outlet.

I'm so burnt out right now.  Work is killing me.  Sometimes literally.  I've worked between 60 and 110 hours a week every week since April.  This week, I worked from Tuesday 8-1pm and then 5pm Tuesday to 8pm on Wednesday.  36 hours in 2 days.  That's on top of the 15 hours I put in on Sunday and the 12 hours I put in on Monday.  So today I'm just not motivated to work.  I'm taking tomorrow off.  I NEED a break.

My meds are screwed up and I'm weepy mess.  I've let me job overrun my life this year.  I've missed my daughter changing from a toddler to a little girl this year and I kills me.  I've been travelling and working insane hours and schedules. I am proud of myself for managing my stress levels successfully for the last 8 months, but am devestated at the time I've lost with my family and how my priorities have shifted.

Goal #1 for next year: find a work/life balance and stick to it!