Full Moons

I'm feeling a little surreal right now.  It's odd enough I've reconnected with Plaid, saw him, and got a new piercing.  What's even crazier?  I reconnected with Christian and Rob and possibly even Locke.  The three other guys the were most important to me for so many years.  It's been at least 6 or 7 years since I've seen most of them.  I cut myself off so completely from the early 2000's on.  All I need now is Nancy to walk back into my life and things will have come full circle.


I've made some really really good changes the last few weeks.  I'm on new meds (huzzah!), I'm reaching out,  I'm working out, I'm eating better.  I'm just hoping that it isn't too much all at once.  I feel great, but the negative part of my brain is still waiting for the crash.  I've been a little weepy today.  I actually choked up when I got Christian's post on FB today.  Maybe it is just nostalgia.  I don't know.   I've been so afraid to reach out to anyone because I was afraid they hated me.  But I think in a lot of respects I beat myself up and projected feelings that just weren't there.  I made the decision to cut people out of my life.  They didn't leave until I pushed.  The true friends are the ones still there and willing to give me another chance.


Christ I sound like a recovering addict or something making amends.  I guess in someways, I am.  I'm making amends to myself.  I am giving myself another chance to have real friends I can interact with outside of the Internet.  Talking to everyone is giving me closure too.  I've had all these people I think about constantly from my past and wondering if I have totally screwed up and if anyone would forgive me for being such a screwed up bitch.  Seeing comments, or playing games online even is enough for me right now.  I feel a lot of shame for mistakes I've made in the past and seeing some of the people I've reconnected with is going to be difficult.  I'm embarrassed about my weight for one, but more importantly I'm ashamed of how I let things end with most of these people.  I want the chance to say I'm sorry and hopefully move on.  With some people, like Desi and Edith, it's easy to pick up where we left off.  Maybe it'll be that way with Christian too. 


I just feel relieved.  Like I can give myself a break for a change and stop worrying about how my friends think of me or if they think of me.  


I hope this lasts.  I hope this isn't just a full moon syndrome coming on.  Time will tell I guess.