Regression . . .

Tonight I feel like I've been transported back 20 years. I'm 15 feeling like a freak and not able to understand why I feel so shitty. I want to hurt someone. I want to feel pain. Tonight I want a lighter and a razor blade. Tonight I want to bleed and wallow in self pity. I want to feel the pain and confusion inside burst out of me in a rush of crimson.

Tonight I want to be selfish. But I think of my toddler seeing that side of me and I'm crushed all over again. I'm scared to death I'll see her go through the anguish, pain and rage I feel right now. I don't want to ever see the hatred I feel against myself reflected in her eyes.

I know in an hour, a day, a week, soon I'll feel better and be thankful I didn't cut and that life really is better.

But right now I want to bleed.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9