Up All Night . . . Again

I'm in turmoil right now.  I was relieved and actually pretty happy at being let go.  But it's sinking in that I may not have my severance until after Thanksgiving.  I can't figure out what I want to do. 


Ideally, I'd stay home, go back to school, get my Oracle certification and have Z. home with me at least part time.  I've found the courses I need to prep for my certification.  It would only take 2 semesters and less than $1000.  But if I'm going to to do this, I want to do it right.  There are a lot of good business courses out there and Technology Professionals classes I could definitely benefit from.  It would be nice to come out of this with an actual degree, not just prepared for a certification.


It's daunting to think about going back as a full time student at 35 though.  My little brother has been a good inspiration on me.  He knows what he wants and he's going for it.  He definitely does not lack the courage of his convictions and he's going to make an awesome lawyer.  He has always been a stronger person than me though.  I don't think he knows it, or how I look up to him.  Or how sorry I am and how much regret I have for our childhood.  


Everybody is wigging that I haven't started an intense job search.  My take on this?  My severance, even after taxes, is enough to cover our rent through June easily.  We can live off hubby's paycheck easily.  In the last two years, I've worked more nights and weekends and holidays.  I'm not motivated to go back to work right away.  


The problem is I have a complete lack of motivation for just about anything right now.  I was buzzed at the prospect of free time to unpack and to spend time with Z.  After the whirlwind of the week after getting laid off, I was literally knocked on my rear and spent a week in bed.  This week?  I've spent it in front of the computer.  Gaming, researching schools, gaming, and wiki-walking and not sleeping, or sleeping all day.   If I take anything to help me sleep, I sleep all day.  If I don't, I'm up all night.  Being as it's 2:30 in the morning looks like it's going to be another up all night.  I just realized that other than going into the backyard to watch Z on her trampoline, I haven't left the house since the 29th.


I need to get off the roller coaster.  My S.A.D. is here.  I feel angry or asleep on my feet.  The new meds are not working.  Or maybe they are and it's just me that's broken.  I need to find a new shrink.  I've needed to find a new shrink for a long time.  Again, I lack motivation.  Or more likely I just don't want to look that deep into myself right now.  It isn't pretty.  I look at myself physically and try to look into myself mentally and I'm disgusted either way.  I'm just feeling ugly and grotesque right now.  I don't know if I want to go through the motions of finding another doc to talk to, to trust, or what I expect to gain.


In all the years I saw Julie, we talked about everything and I trusted her, but she gave up on me.  She told me she couldn't help me anymore.  I don't see that as a failure on her part, but one on mine, because I didn't know what I wanted.  I still don't.  Maybe it is time to figure that out first.  


I just really need some support, someone I can trust, and gods above what I wouldn't give for a little guidance right now.  Everyone has an opinion, but no one really offers any guidance.  I feel childish wanting somebody to turn me in the right direction.  Not tell me what to do, but just point me in the right direction and help me a little along the way.  Give me a word of encouragement now and then.  


It's times like these when I can understand why Christians turn to God and faith to help them get through their trials, or why addicts have sponsors.  Is there a 12-step program to get people through depression?  Can I have a sponsor to talk to, someone to support me through the rough times without getting uncomfortable or wigging out?