E is for Escaping

E is for Escaping.  Escaping the hum drum of day to day life.  Escaping the chaos of having kids.  Escaping the stress of work.

For me escaping can be something as simple as listening to a favorite piece of music, or just closing my eyes and remembering the feel of the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves from vacation last year.  An escape is just a break from whatever is going on around you and sometimes it is desperately needed.

I meditate, I breathe, I write.  All of those methods help me to escape my bad moods and bring peace to myself.

My favorite escape?  That's easy: Disneyland and California Adventure!  

Since I only get to the parks every year or two, I put together a soundtrack to take me there for a virtual escape.  I listen to the "Remember" fireworks show and it takes me back to my honeymoon.  "Soarin' Over California" let's me fly and helps my mind visual the ride.  Of course there are the fun ride soundtracks too like "Pirates of the Caribbean", the "Haunted Mansion", "Space Mountain" and "California Screamin'".

Whichever track, it gives me a momentary escape from life and puts me back in my happy place for a little while.

D is for Decisions

I've come to realize that life is what you make it.  It's a series of decisions, so good and some bad, but up to you to make.  I saw this on Facebook a few weeks ago and it spoke volumes to me.  I've printed it up and keep it on my desk as a daily reminder of what kind of decisions to make.  This is called "7 Lovely Logics"

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been battling depression, anxiety and borderline personality since I was in high school.  I was one messed up kid and that continued until I was in my twenties.  I still battle with it today, but I now it's the occasional skirmish not a full on war going on inside my head.  I see my anxiety and depression as physical manifestations that I can literally attack.  It helps me to deal with them.  It's a lot easier to shut off something you can visualize than to deal with an abstract.

My therapist used to tell me that it was my decision as to whether I accept and deal with my depression as being part of me or if I let define who I am.  That is a lesson that took a long time for me to learn and I still struggle with it from time to time.  There are a lot times when I want to just give into the depression and crawl into a hole and pull the earth in after me.  But there is a stronger part of me that has decided that isn't a solution.

I have been through some seriously rough patches in my life.  Most people have.  It's how you decide to deal with those rough patches that impacts how your life turns out.  For me, the turning point came when I decided to move to Tempe.

I grew up in Flagstaff and I love it there.  It's a small town and my parents are successful business owners.  What does that mean for a teenager?  Feeling like you live under a microscope.  I decided to truly get out on my own when I was 23.  I decided overnight to pack up and move to Tempe.  I drove down by myself found a job and a place to live and moved two days later.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.  It was one of the most random decisions I made as well.  I think that decision led to a string of events that put me where I am today: married and a mother.

In 2000, I was in a car accident and broke my neck.  I had a C2 fracture and was paralyzed.  My doctor told me it was up to me whether I walked again.  He could only do so much.  I made the decision that I was going to walk out of the hospital.  I think it was at that point that I realized that I was being so self indulgent with my depression and it was time to grow up.  I wasn't going to let the injury to my neck make me less of a person.  I was stronger than that.  After a successful surgery and weeks of rehab, I did walk out of the hospital.

I also decided to move back to Phoenix a few months later.  When I did I met my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.

The end of last year and for most of January, I gave into the depression and let it reign.  I gave into the anxiety and like a living monster, it kept me trapped in my house for over a month.  I finally made the decision to get the help I needed, to get new meds and a new therapist and to deal with the losses I've had over the last two years that crushed me when I finally let them in.

In February I decided to get help.  In March, I decided to put a real effort into losing weight and getting fit.  I decided that it's important for my daughter to have a good example to follow.  I want her to make healthy decisions in her life and to see that depression doesn't win.  I believe that it is inevitable that she is going to end up with my genes and therefore issues with her weight, depression and anxiety.

I also made the decision to reach out to my friends I had cut myself off from.  I've rarely felt more vulnerable than I have making that first tentative contact, reaching out to people that I know my actions have hurt and asking forgiveness.  But I've been lucky that my friends are a forgiving lot and so far, I've reconnected with the people that meant the most to me when I was younger and are still important to me now.  The relationships have changed, we've grown up and grown apart, but they are still here and still willing to give me another chance at being a friend.

So I'm taking baby steps, but I finally feel like I'm making good decisions again and that if I continue to do so, that I will be ok with being happy and I will be healthy and I will be a good mother with a strong, healthy, confident daughter.

C is for Chaos of Parenting

I'm starting the April 2012 A-Z blogging Challenge as a good exercise for my writing and to get into the habit of blogging.  The Wednesday Hodgepodge is a great start, but this should drive me a little more.




I'm a couple of days late in getting started, but c'est la vie right?  Today I'm blogging about the chaos of being a parent.  As Soleil Moon Frye puts it in her book, it's a "Happy Chaos".  When we first had Miss Z, I read all the books I could find, joined the birth clubs online and tried to prepare myself.  We decided to get Miss Z on a schedule as soon as possible.  To an extent that worked, but let's face it, there is no such thing as a true schedule with babies or toddlers.  You can put them on a schedule for sleeping and eating, but everything in between can pure chaotic joy.

My favorite times are when she starts random games with us out of no where and generally with no warning.  She has a great imagination and is always making up songs, dances and games.  Last night she came in to sing me a "lullaby" to make me feel better. It was more like a rock song complete with arm movements and an air guitar solo, but it was great.

This morning was a perfect example of how something that seems as normal as getting ready for school can turn into utter chaos at the flip of a hat.  This morning, Miss Z crawled into bed and snuggled up with me which was wonderful.  We played around a little with her stuffed animals she brought with her and had a good tickle match.  She was happy and compliant while we were getting dressed until it came time to put on her socks.

I'm not sure why she freaks out at putting on her socks.  I know that she can do it.  She knows she can do it. There are morning where she gets ready with essentially no assistance from me or her dad.  She's 4 1/2 so I don't think that's unreasonable.  Today however, when we got to the socks, she went into total meltdown mode.  It took approximately 20 minutes, 2 pairs of sock and 3 pairs of shoes to get her calmed down and her shoes on, sans socks.

We try to let Miss Z. make choices whenever possible.  It gives her a sense of control and makes her much more compliant when we set limits and tell her no.

My question at this point is how much is too much when it comes to indulging in your child's whims to get her through a tough morning?  How do you control the chaos with your kids?  Do you just put your foot down and say, "this is how it's going to be" or do you try and reason with your kids and give them the freedom to choose?