I've come to realize that life is what you make it. It's a series of decisions, so good and some bad, but up to you to make. I saw this on Facebook a few weeks ago and it spoke volumes to me. I've printed it up and keep it on my desk as a daily reminder of what kind of decisions to make. This is called "7 Lovely Logics"
Anyone who knows me knows that I have been battling depression, anxiety and borderline personality since I was in high school. I was one messed up kid and that continued until I was in my twenties. I still battle with it today, but I now it's the occasional skirmish not a full on war going on inside my head. I see my anxiety and depression as physical manifestations that I can literally attack. It helps me to deal with them. It's a lot easier to shut off something you can visualize than to deal with an abstract.
My therapist used to tell me that it was my decision as to whether I accept and deal with my depression as being part of me or if I let define who I am. That is a lesson that took a long time for me to learn and I still struggle with it from time to time. There are a lot times when I want to just give into the depression and crawl into a hole and pull the earth in after me. But there is a stronger part of me that has decided that isn't a solution.
I have been through some seriously rough patches in my life. Most people have. It's how you decide to deal with those rough patches that impacts how your life turns out. For me, the turning point came when I decided to move to Tempe.
I grew up in Flagstaff and I love it there. It's a small town and my parents are successful business owners. What does that mean for a teenager? Feeling like you live under a microscope. I decided to truly get out on my own when I was 23. I decided overnight to pack up and move to Tempe. I drove down by myself found a job and a place to live and moved two days later. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was one of the most random decisions I made as well. I think that decision led to a string of events that put me where I am today: married and a mother.
In 2000, I was in a car accident and broke my neck. I had a C2 fracture and was paralyzed. My doctor told me it was up to me whether I walked again. He could only do so much. I made the decision that I was going to walk out of the hospital. I think it was at that point that I realized that I was being so self indulgent with my depression and it was time to grow up. I wasn't going to let the injury to my neck make me less of a person. I was stronger than that. After a successful surgery and weeks of rehab, I did walk out of the hospital.
I also decided to move back to Phoenix a few months later. When I did I met my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.
The end of last year and for most of January, I gave into the depression and let it reign. I gave into the anxiety and like a living monster, it kept me trapped in my house for over a month. I finally made the decision to get the help I needed, to get new meds and a new therapist and to deal with the losses I've had over the last two years that crushed me when I finally let them in.
In February I decided to get help. In March, I decided to put a real effort into losing weight and getting fit. I decided that it's important for my daughter to have a good example to follow. I want her to make healthy decisions in her life and to see that depression doesn't win. I believe that it is inevitable that she is going to end up with my genes and therefore issues with her weight, depression and anxiety.
I also made the decision to reach out to my friends I had cut myself off from. I've rarely felt more vulnerable than I have making that first tentative contact, reaching out to people that I know my actions have hurt and asking forgiveness. But I've been lucky that my friends are a forgiving lot and so far, I've reconnected with the people that meant the most to me when I was younger and are still important to me now. The relationships have changed, we've grown up and grown apart, but they are still here and still willing to give me another chance at being a friend.
So I'm taking baby steps, but I finally feel like I'm making good decisions again and that if I continue to do so, that I will be ok with being happy and I will be healthy and I will be a good mother with a strong, healthy, confident daughter.
