E is for Escaping

E is for Escaping.  Escaping the hum drum of day to day life.  Escaping the chaos of having kids.  Escaping the stress of work.

For me escaping can be something as simple as listening to a favorite piece of music, or just closing my eyes and remembering the feel of the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves from vacation last year.  An escape is just a break from whatever is going on around you and sometimes it is desperately needed.

I meditate, I breathe, I write.  All of those methods help me to escape my bad moods and bring peace to myself.

My favorite escape?  That's easy: Disneyland and California Adventure!  

Since I only get to the parks every year or two, I put together a soundtrack to take me there for a virtual escape.  I listen to the "Remember" fireworks show and it takes me back to my honeymoon.  "Soarin' Over California" let's me fly and helps my mind visual the ride.  Of course there are the fun ride soundtracks too like "Pirates of the Caribbean", the "Haunted Mansion", "Space Mountain" and "California Screamin'".

Whichever track, it gives me a momentary escape from life and puts me back in my happy place for a little while.

D is for Decisions

I've come to realize that life is what you make it.  It's a series of decisions, so good and some bad, but up to you to make.  I saw this on Facebook a few weeks ago and it spoke volumes to me.  I've printed it up and keep it on my desk as a daily reminder of what kind of decisions to make.  This is called "7 Lovely Logics"

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been battling depression, anxiety and borderline personality since I was in high school.  I was one messed up kid and that continued until I was in my twenties.  I still battle with it today, but I now it's the occasional skirmish not a full on war going on inside my head.  I see my anxiety and depression as physical manifestations that I can literally attack.  It helps me to deal with them.  It's a lot easier to shut off something you can visualize than to deal with an abstract.

My therapist used to tell me that it was my decision as to whether I accept and deal with my depression as being part of me or if I let define who I am.  That is a lesson that took a long time for me to learn and I still struggle with it from time to time.  There are a lot times when I want to just give into the depression and crawl into a hole and pull the earth in after me.  But there is a stronger part of me that has decided that isn't a solution.

I have been through some seriously rough patches in my life.  Most people have.  It's how you decide to deal with those rough patches that impacts how your life turns out.  For me, the turning point came when I decided to move to Tempe.

I grew up in Flagstaff and I love it there.  It's a small town and my parents are successful business owners.  What does that mean for a teenager?  Feeling like you live under a microscope.  I decided to truly get out on my own when I was 23.  I decided overnight to pack up and move to Tempe.  I drove down by myself found a job and a place to live and moved two days later.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.  It was one of the most random decisions I made as well.  I think that decision led to a string of events that put me where I am today: married and a mother.

In 2000, I was in a car accident and broke my neck.  I had a C2 fracture and was paralyzed.  My doctor told me it was up to me whether I walked again.  He could only do so much.  I made the decision that I was going to walk out of the hospital.  I think it was at that point that I realized that I was being so self indulgent with my depression and it was time to grow up.  I wasn't going to let the injury to my neck make me less of a person.  I was stronger than that.  After a successful surgery and weeks of rehab, I did walk out of the hospital.

I also decided to move back to Phoenix a few months later.  When I did I met my husband and the rest, as they say, is history.

The end of last year and for most of January, I gave into the depression and let it reign.  I gave into the anxiety and like a living monster, it kept me trapped in my house for over a month.  I finally made the decision to get the help I needed, to get new meds and a new therapist and to deal with the losses I've had over the last two years that crushed me when I finally let them in.

In February I decided to get help.  In March, I decided to put a real effort into losing weight and getting fit.  I decided that it's important for my daughter to have a good example to follow.  I want her to make healthy decisions in her life and to see that depression doesn't win.  I believe that it is inevitable that she is going to end up with my genes and therefore issues with her weight, depression and anxiety.

I also made the decision to reach out to my friends I had cut myself off from.  I've rarely felt more vulnerable than I have making that first tentative contact, reaching out to people that I know my actions have hurt and asking forgiveness.  But I've been lucky that my friends are a forgiving lot and so far, I've reconnected with the people that meant the most to me when I was younger and are still important to me now.  The relationships have changed, we've grown up and grown apart, but they are still here and still willing to give me another chance at being a friend.

So I'm taking baby steps, but I finally feel like I'm making good decisions again and that if I continue to do so, that I will be ok with being happy and I will be healthy and I will be a good mother with a strong, healthy, confident daughter.

C is for Chaos of Parenting

I'm starting the April 2012 A-Z blogging Challenge as a good exercise for my writing and to get into the habit of blogging.  The Wednesday Hodgepodge is a great start, but this should drive me a little more.




I'm a couple of days late in getting started, but c'est la vie right?  Today I'm blogging about the chaos of being a parent.  As Soleil Moon Frye puts it in her book, it's a "Happy Chaos".  When we first had Miss Z, I read all the books I could find, joined the birth clubs online and tried to prepare myself.  We decided to get Miss Z on a schedule as soon as possible.  To an extent that worked, but let's face it, there is no such thing as a true schedule with babies or toddlers.  You can put them on a schedule for sleeping and eating, but everything in between can pure chaotic joy.

My favorite times are when she starts random games with us out of no where and generally with no warning.  She has a great imagination and is always making up songs, dances and games.  Last night she came in to sing me a "lullaby" to make me feel better. It was more like a rock song complete with arm movements and an air guitar solo, but it was great.

This morning was a perfect example of how something that seems as normal as getting ready for school can turn into utter chaos at the flip of a hat.  This morning, Miss Z crawled into bed and snuggled up with me which was wonderful.  We played around a little with her stuffed animals she brought with her and had a good tickle match.  She was happy and compliant while we were getting dressed until it came time to put on her socks.

I'm not sure why she freaks out at putting on her socks.  I know that she can do it.  She knows she can do it. There are morning where she gets ready with essentially no assistance from me or her dad.  She's 4 1/2 so I don't think that's unreasonable.  Today however, when we got to the socks, she went into total meltdown mode.  It took approximately 20 minutes, 2 pairs of sock and 3 pairs of shoes to get her calmed down and her shoes on, sans socks.

We try to let Miss Z. make choices whenever possible.  It gives her a sense of control and makes her much more compliant when we set limits and tell her no.

My question at this point is how much is too much when it comes to indulging in your child's whims to get her through a tough morning?  How do you control the chaos with your kids?  Do you just put your foot down and say, "this is how it's going to be" or do you try and reason with your kids and give them the freedom to choose?

Wendesday Hodgepodge

1. What's the last job you did that required elbow grease?
Scrubbing down my kitchen.  We have a really bad habit of using our breakfast bar as a general drop off spot.  I have limited counterspace as it is, but last week I really scrubbed the whole kitchen down, did all the dishes and cleared the counter.  It only lasted until I made dinner that night.


2. March Madness, aka the men's Division I basketball championship, is nearing an end...what sort of 'madness' has your house seen this month?


Not much.  Everyone has been sick.  Does that count?


3. What's your favorite shop for browsing?


I do most of my browsing online.  Amazon and Woman Within are my favorite places to browse.  If I'm out and about, probably Kirklands or Bed Bath and Beyond.


4. Is there ever a time when giving up makes sense?


Yes, giving up smoking was a good thing for me.  Also, sometimes when I'm in a battle of wills with my 4 year old, it just makes sense to give up and not push it with her.  "I'm not going to argue with you" tends to work pretty well when I've decided I'm giving up on convincing her of something she doesn't want to accept.


5. What's a song you love that contains the name of a city, state or country in its title?


Gotta go with Hotel California on this one.


6. When did you first begin using a computer?


I think I was in second or third grade, so 83ish?  I remember playing Oregon Trail and by the time I was in 6th grade, I was keeping the teacher's gradebook in a spreadsheet for her.  That should have been a tip off I was meant to work on computers, not be a writer.


7. Did you buy girl scout cookies this year? What's your favorite?


Nope we didn't buy any this year.  I think it's sad that the girls aren't allowed to go door to door anymore.  I get e-mails from people with kids in girl scouts, but no on I see on a regular basis.  Miss Z. will be there soon enough!


8. Insert your own random thought here.

This week has been a little hectic.  Lots of doctors appointments and shopping.  I have an interview today that I'm just not sure how it's going to go.  I've been in a funk and I'm hoping I can pull out my good personality to shine through.  I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work even though I really need to.

Wednesday Hodgepodge

In an effort to get into blogging more frequently and about stuff other than dreams and the crazy stuff going through my head, I'm joining up with the Wednesday Hodgepodge.


I know that there aren't a lot people reading my blog and I'm perfectly ok with that.  This is an exercise to help me with my writing and inspiration.


1. The first day of spring is here-do you enjoy working in the yard? Weeding, raking, mowing, planting...your favorite springtime garden chore? How about your least favorite?


The last 7 years we've lived in homes with desert landscaping, i.e. gravel, so there hasn't been yard work, other than pulling weeds (ick).  I'm looking forward to starting a flower garden with my daughter this year.  She wants to grow Sunflowers, which are both of our favorite flowers.  Our current house has raised flower beds that I'm going to remove the rocks from and plant seedlings.


2. What puts a spring in your step?


Knowing that we'll be able to start swimming in the next couple weeks and seeing the sun out later in evenings.


3. Describe a time when you had to spring into action.


The first time my daughter decided to go "swimming."  We were sitting on the top step of our pool, just sticking our feet in to see if it was warm enough to start swimming yet.  Miss Z. was about 6 months old and she "dove" straight in.  It scared the life out of me, but she popped back up to the surface all smiles and knew we had a natural swimmer on our hands.  I still had to go into the pool after her because she managed to get out from the steps about 3 feet into the pool with her dive.  Needless to say, she started swimming lessons within the next couple of weeks and is now a great swimmer.


4. We're having carrots for dinner...would you prefer yours raw or cooked?


Grilled or broiled.  They are good steamed too.  For snacking, definitely raw though.


5. Do you take the shampoos and other sundries from your hotel room when its time to check out?


Nope.  I rarely use them and bring my own.  It's a hazard of having parents who own a salon.  I'm picky about what I use on my hair.  Sometimes I'll snag the lotions though.


6. What's the most enjoyable team or club you've belonged to and what was it that made it so?


I've been with many different service organizations.  I think there are two that stick out in my mind as having been the most fun and influential on me.  The first was the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, a Masonic service organization.  I learned more about being a leader and made more friends there that are still in my life.  There were trials and tribulations as only a group of teenage girls can have, but it was still one of the most supportive groups I've been a part of.


The other was band.  Yes, I was a total band geek and proud of it.  Band also taught me leadership, competition, and pride (maybe too much pride).  I blossomed in band and it was an excellent way for me to show artistic talent.  The saxophonists in our band all four years were some of my best friends who stood by me with all the crap I was going through in high school.  


7. Is cloning a sign of progress?


I believe it is.  The world has made so many advances medically, scientifically and technologically in the last 50 years.  The ability to clone body parts is going to mean extended lives for millions if stem cell research is allowed to progress.  I don't agree with the idea of cloning a person to be used as an organ donor, but I fully support stem cell research and the use of cord blood to "clone" or grow individual organs in a lab.


Will I eat a cloned sheep or cow?  That's a different story.  I think that genetically manipulating anything we put into our bodies that isn't a medical necessity is not right.  I may be getting off more into farmers adding hormones to their cattle or genetically producing fruit that lasts longer, but it still is not healthy.  


8. Insert your own random thought here. 


My random thought for today . . . If you are on FB and playing a game where your neighbors rely on your assistance, do accept all the help requests that come through on your list or pick and choose based on what you need to complete your goals first?


Personally, I just click them all.  Spread the love right?
  

Reflections and general life stuff

I'm enjoying some quiet time today.  James and Z are napping.  Somehow it is different when it's quiet and there are people in the house, and quiet from my day to day when I'm home alone. It's more comforting now, when they are here.  There is a crackling fire in our fireplace for the first time since we moved in.  It's been raining off and on all day.  It's been a cozy kind of day. 

Zoe helped James make breakfast this morning.  I'm still a little nervous about her being around the stove, but she is becoming quite proficient at making scrambled eggs, once they are in the pan.  She insisted on having the bread "peels" for her toast this morning.  James explained they were called "heels" but she said she liked "peels" better.  She definitely does not lack for self confidence.

We spent the morning doing puzzles and while I was working on taxes (ick) and James was cleaning the kitchen (bless him!).  It was morning of laughter and cuddling and just cozy.  I need that right now.

I found out my cousin Uraina's youngest son died last week.  I don't know the details, but I'm saddened for her loss and can only imagine the pain she is going through.  I'm sad that that I didn't even know she had another son.  I haven't seen her since our grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I've never met her kids, and given how I feel about her father, may not ever see her again.  That's just how things tend to go, especially on my dad's side of the family.  I'm glad that I have a connection to Jim now, even if it's mostly virtual.  It makes me feel better to know that at least one of my dad's brother's is nearby to him.

I just feel like I've lost so much of my family in the last couple of years.  I am so grateful that my parents are so involved in our lives and with Zoe.  It makes me sad to know that she barely knew Gloria and probably won't remember my nana or grandma much longer.  I'm so thankful that she has her aunt Lorri and uncle Louis, and that my brother is such an awesome uncle to her as well.  It's the one thing that is helping he and I to have a somewhat better relationship. 

There are times that I would like nothing better than to sit Jason down and just talk to him.  I want to make him understand that how sorry I am for how I treated him when I was younger and how proud of him I am now and how much I want to get to know him.  I want to know what he thinks of me and just have him get it out of his system.  I hate the fact that I'm hesitant to ever call him because I don't know if he'll take my call or if he'll rip my face off.  I wonder if he realizes how much he means to me.  My guess is probably not.

Ok I'm getting a bit maudlin here.  Time to get back to taxes and enjoying the peace and quiet. 

Full Moons

I'm feeling a little surreal right now.  It's odd enough I've reconnected with Plaid, saw him, and got a new piercing.  What's even crazier?  I reconnected with Christian and Rob and possibly even Locke.  The three other guys the were most important to me for so many years.  It's been at least 6 or 7 years since I've seen most of them.  I cut myself off so completely from the early 2000's on.  All I need now is Nancy to walk back into my life and things will have come full circle.


I've made some really really good changes the last few weeks.  I'm on new meds (huzzah!), I'm reaching out,  I'm working out, I'm eating better.  I'm just hoping that it isn't too much all at once.  I feel great, but the negative part of my brain is still waiting for the crash.  I've been a little weepy today.  I actually choked up when I got Christian's post on FB today.  Maybe it is just nostalgia.  I don't know.   I've been so afraid to reach out to anyone because I was afraid they hated me.  But I think in a lot of respects I beat myself up and projected feelings that just weren't there.  I made the decision to cut people out of my life.  They didn't leave until I pushed.  The true friends are the ones still there and willing to give me another chance.


Christ I sound like a recovering addict or something making amends.  I guess in someways, I am.  I'm making amends to myself.  I am giving myself another chance to have real friends I can interact with outside of the Internet.  Talking to everyone is giving me closure too.  I've had all these people I think about constantly from my past and wondering if I have totally screwed up and if anyone would forgive me for being such a screwed up bitch.  Seeing comments, or playing games online even is enough for me right now.  I feel a lot of shame for mistakes I've made in the past and seeing some of the people I've reconnected with is going to be difficult.  I'm embarrassed about my weight for one, but more importantly I'm ashamed of how I let things end with most of these people.  I want the chance to say I'm sorry and hopefully move on.  With some people, like Desi and Edith, it's easy to pick up where we left off.  Maybe it'll be that way with Christian too. 


I just feel relieved.  Like I can give myself a break for a change and stop worrying about how my friends think of me or if they think of me.  


I hope this lasts.  I hope this isn't just a full moon syndrome coming on.  Time will tell I guess.