Wednesday Hodgepodge

In an effort to get into blogging more frequently and about stuff other than dreams and the crazy stuff going through my head, I'm joining up with the Wednesday Hodgepodge.


I know that there aren't a lot people reading my blog and I'm perfectly ok with that.  This is an exercise to help me with my writing and inspiration.


1. The first day of spring is here-do you enjoy working in the yard? Weeding, raking, mowing, planting...your favorite springtime garden chore? How about your least favorite?


The last 7 years we've lived in homes with desert landscaping, i.e. gravel, so there hasn't been yard work, other than pulling weeds (ick).  I'm looking forward to starting a flower garden with my daughter this year.  She wants to grow Sunflowers, which are both of our favorite flowers.  Our current house has raised flower beds that I'm going to remove the rocks from and plant seedlings.


2. What puts a spring in your step?


Knowing that we'll be able to start swimming in the next couple weeks and seeing the sun out later in evenings.


3. Describe a time when you had to spring into action.


The first time my daughter decided to go "swimming."  We were sitting on the top step of our pool, just sticking our feet in to see if it was warm enough to start swimming yet.  Miss Z. was about 6 months old and she "dove" straight in.  It scared the life out of me, but she popped back up to the surface all smiles and knew we had a natural swimmer on our hands.  I still had to go into the pool after her because she managed to get out from the steps about 3 feet into the pool with her dive.  Needless to say, she started swimming lessons within the next couple of weeks and is now a great swimmer.


4. We're having carrots for dinner...would you prefer yours raw or cooked?


Grilled or broiled.  They are good steamed too.  For snacking, definitely raw though.


5. Do you take the shampoos and other sundries from your hotel room when its time to check out?


Nope.  I rarely use them and bring my own.  It's a hazard of having parents who own a salon.  I'm picky about what I use on my hair.  Sometimes I'll snag the lotions though.


6. What's the most enjoyable team or club you've belonged to and what was it that made it so?


I've been with many different service organizations.  I think there are two that stick out in my mind as having been the most fun and influential on me.  The first was the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, a Masonic service organization.  I learned more about being a leader and made more friends there that are still in my life.  There were trials and tribulations as only a group of teenage girls can have, but it was still one of the most supportive groups I've been a part of.


The other was band.  Yes, I was a total band geek and proud of it.  Band also taught me leadership, competition, and pride (maybe too much pride).  I blossomed in band and it was an excellent way for me to show artistic talent.  The saxophonists in our band all four years were some of my best friends who stood by me with all the crap I was going through in high school.  


7. Is cloning a sign of progress?


I believe it is.  The world has made so many advances medically, scientifically and technologically in the last 50 years.  The ability to clone body parts is going to mean extended lives for millions if stem cell research is allowed to progress.  I don't agree with the idea of cloning a person to be used as an organ donor, but I fully support stem cell research and the use of cord blood to "clone" or grow individual organs in a lab.


Will I eat a cloned sheep or cow?  That's a different story.  I think that genetically manipulating anything we put into our bodies that isn't a medical necessity is not right.  I may be getting off more into farmers adding hormones to their cattle or genetically producing fruit that lasts longer, but it still is not healthy.  


8. Insert your own random thought here. 


My random thought for today . . . If you are on FB and playing a game where your neighbors rely on your assistance, do accept all the help requests that come through on your list or pick and choose based on what you need to complete your goals first?


Personally, I just click them all.  Spread the love right?
  

Reflections and general life stuff

I'm enjoying some quiet time today.  James and Z are napping.  Somehow it is different when it's quiet and there are people in the house, and quiet from my day to day when I'm home alone. It's more comforting now, when they are here.  There is a crackling fire in our fireplace for the first time since we moved in.  It's been raining off and on all day.  It's been a cozy kind of day. 

Zoe helped James make breakfast this morning.  I'm still a little nervous about her being around the stove, but she is becoming quite proficient at making scrambled eggs, once they are in the pan.  She insisted on having the bread "peels" for her toast this morning.  James explained they were called "heels" but she said she liked "peels" better.  She definitely does not lack for self confidence.

We spent the morning doing puzzles and while I was working on taxes (ick) and James was cleaning the kitchen (bless him!).  It was morning of laughter and cuddling and just cozy.  I need that right now.

I found out my cousin Uraina's youngest son died last week.  I don't know the details, but I'm saddened for her loss and can only imagine the pain she is going through.  I'm sad that that I didn't even know she had another son.  I haven't seen her since our grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, I've never met her kids, and given how I feel about her father, may not ever see her again.  That's just how things tend to go, especially on my dad's side of the family.  I'm glad that I have a connection to Jim now, even if it's mostly virtual.  It makes me feel better to know that at least one of my dad's brother's is nearby to him.

I just feel like I've lost so much of my family in the last couple of years.  I am so grateful that my parents are so involved in our lives and with Zoe.  It makes me sad to know that she barely knew Gloria and probably won't remember my nana or grandma much longer.  I'm so thankful that she has her aunt Lorri and uncle Louis, and that my brother is such an awesome uncle to her as well.  It's the one thing that is helping he and I to have a somewhat better relationship. 

There are times that I would like nothing better than to sit Jason down and just talk to him.  I want to make him understand that how sorry I am for how I treated him when I was younger and how proud of him I am now and how much I want to get to know him.  I want to know what he thinks of me and just have him get it out of his system.  I hate the fact that I'm hesitant to ever call him because I don't know if he'll take my call or if he'll rip my face off.  I wonder if he realizes how much he means to me.  My guess is probably not.

Ok I'm getting a bit maudlin here.  Time to get back to taxes and enjoying the peace and quiet. 

Full Moons

I'm feeling a little surreal right now.  It's odd enough I've reconnected with Plaid, saw him, and got a new piercing.  What's even crazier?  I reconnected with Christian and Rob and possibly even Locke.  The three other guys the were most important to me for so many years.  It's been at least 6 or 7 years since I've seen most of them.  I cut myself off so completely from the early 2000's on.  All I need now is Nancy to walk back into my life and things will have come full circle.


I've made some really really good changes the last few weeks.  I'm on new meds (huzzah!), I'm reaching out,  I'm working out, I'm eating better.  I'm just hoping that it isn't too much all at once.  I feel great, but the negative part of my brain is still waiting for the crash.  I've been a little weepy today.  I actually choked up when I got Christian's post on FB today.  Maybe it is just nostalgia.  I don't know.   I've been so afraid to reach out to anyone because I was afraid they hated me.  But I think in a lot of respects I beat myself up and projected feelings that just weren't there.  I made the decision to cut people out of my life.  They didn't leave until I pushed.  The true friends are the ones still there and willing to give me another chance.


Christ I sound like a recovering addict or something making amends.  I guess in someways, I am.  I'm making amends to myself.  I am giving myself another chance to have real friends I can interact with outside of the Internet.  Talking to everyone is giving me closure too.  I've had all these people I think about constantly from my past and wondering if I have totally screwed up and if anyone would forgive me for being such a screwed up bitch.  Seeing comments, or playing games online even is enough for me right now.  I feel a lot of shame for mistakes I've made in the past and seeing some of the people I've reconnected with is going to be difficult.  I'm embarrassed about my weight for one, but more importantly I'm ashamed of how I let things end with most of these people.  I want the chance to say I'm sorry and hopefully move on.  With some people, like Desi and Edith, it's easy to pick up where we left off.  Maybe it'll be that way with Christian too. 


I just feel relieved.  Like I can give myself a break for a change and stop worrying about how my friends think of me or if they think of me.  


I hope this lasts.  I hope this isn't just a full moon syndrome coming on.  Time will tell I guess.

Dreamlog

I had the weirdest set of dreams this morning.  They were interwoven as usual but ranged on everything from Halloween to high school and marching band.

It started with my cousin D calling to let me know she was going to this Halloween carnival up in Scottsdale with the kids and asking if I wanted to come and bring Z.  I said I would, but didn't really want to, just knew that I needed to.

I was living in a house with my mom and dad, husband and daughter, and my brother.  The weirdness started when my mom and dad and I were in the kitchen and there was a Mexican man about 5'7" with long brown hair in a denim work shirt, jeans and work boots walking down the street with a blonde boy, maybe 6 or 7 years old, yelling that he was selling the child.  The kid looked scared.

The neighbors across the street, (one of those anonymous people you "know" but don't really know who they are) said he was going to call the cops and the guy abandoned the kid and ran.

The next day, we were in the kitchen again and mom and dad were talking about how dad had to go to the Halloween carnival to work.  I was trying to figure out why in the world he would be working at this party/carnival for his company when we saw the same guy come down the street again.  This time, he had the same boy, but the kid was in a costume.  It reminded me of the skeletons from the Dia de los Muertes celebrations.  The skeletons that are up on poles, but this was like the kid was on stilts covered in a sheet that said "Boo!"

Dad was taking pictures in the kitchen and the guy came up to our window and asked if could borrow the camera to take a picture of his son.  Dad said yes and handed him the camera.  The guy snapped a picture and then ran off with the camera.  Dad went outside and ran after him.  Meanwhile, I call the police.

The conversation with the police dispatcher was so odd.  She seemed totally disinterested that this man had stolen the camera or been seen with this boy twice and was trying to sell him.  I was frustrated trying to have this conversation while my brother, who was maybe 10 in this dream was having his friends over and they kept running through my room to get to his room.

Then the dream morphed into me wandering into the band room at FHS and the soppiest scene.  Half the band was there, the lights were low and they were holding hands crying.  I was trying to figure out what was going  on.  I could hear the Halloween party happening in the commons and see the strobe light flashes.  It turned out that the student council president/drum major was resigning in protest.  She was trying to push for a ban on seminary studies being allowed for the Mormon kids because it was off campus.  Everyone was upset and infuriated.  I ended up convincing her to drop it for the night because that was something that would need to be taken up at a district level, not a school council level.

I kept trying to go get into my band uniform, but every time I left the room, I'd end up back in my bedroom with the wrong things to put on.  I was so frustrated!  There were so many people in my dream that I haven't seen or thought of in years.  It was funny to see the band director so pissed off though.

Then there was this scene of a party on the ceiling with the characters from Big Bang Theory and the rest of the details are fading now.  I do know there was this one crazy dance between me and Spencer up on the ceiling.

I'm so ready for my mind to let me out of high school and out of the past.  Let me live in the now and be an adult already.  I have resolved those issues, but anytime I feel stress or I'm working through my stress and anxiety in my dreams, I'm thrown right back into high school and marching band.

Vampires and High School

I've managed to get myself hooked on "The Vampire Diaries" and I've been catching up on the first two seasons on Netflix.  It's still not Buffy or Angel, but it's good.  There are definitely parallels between the two universes/storylines/love triangles.

It's really interesting to me all the different takes on vampire lore.  Everything from the original "Dracula" legends to Jim Butcher's vampire courts in the Dresden Files series, to Anne Rice's "Lestat", Joss Whedon's "Buffyverse", and Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series.  Now there is a "new" lore for Vampire Diaries.

They all fall back to one thing though, that a) vampires exist and b) there are still the original vampires out there somewhere.  I have to wonder how much time these writers spend researching the various myths, legends, and lore around the vampire, or if they just are doing a basic spin off of Dracula.  The idea that vampires are real is intriguing.  I know that there are people living that are into blood drinking.  Personally, I believe that psychic vampires are much more likely and present and not undead.  It's the whole walking dead thing I have trouble believing.

I can remember starting in second or third grade and voraciously reading anything I could get my hands on regarding ghosts.  Yes I was a weird child.   I don't know why I was drawn to them.  There is just something fun about scaring yourself I guess.  Why else do we tell scary stories around campfires?  I used to check the same book out from the school library about various ghosts just to look at the pictures.  Oddly enough I didn't discover Anne Rice until I was out of high school.

I want to get back into writing.  I think the journaling I'm doing for my therapist is helping urge that on.  I just have no idea what I'd be writing about right now.  I'd love to do more research on faerie lore and other occult topics.  I just don't know that I can come up with an idea that would original enough to be read by others.  I need to be looking for a job, not writing. 

And speaking of high school . . . So I finally got onto Facebook (yikes) and I feel awkward reaching out to the people I went to school with. I'm realizing I have a pattern that when I leave someplace, I completely cut that part of my life off.  I left school and didn't really have anyone I kept in touch with.  I was such a friggin' mess.  I was as usual wrapped up in my own shit and let's face it, but I didn't really give anyone a reason to stay in touch with me.  I was not a good person.  Not to myself and not to others.  I fell apart in high school.  D completely fucked up my life and I didn't do anything to take control of my life back until years later.

It makes me happy to see people that I cared about doing well for themselves.  I'm sad that I look back on who I was and how many people I hurt.  It's been 12 years since I graduated and no one has really reached out to me.  It's difficult for me not to take that as a sign to just let it go and come to the determination that people don't want me in their lives.  I just want a chance to make amends, to catch up, and maybe show them I am different than I was.

There is still the little evil me in the back of my head whispering that I haven't changed.  That I am the same person.  That I don't deserve friends or love, etc. etc.  That voice needs to be silenced.  The self doubts I have are only a hindrance.  I know that I am a different person.  A better person.

I would not have a husband and daughter if I hadn't changed.  They help make me a better person every day.  And every day I thank the Goddess that they are in my life and are the rocks that keeps me grounded and sane.

Up All Night . . . Again

I'm in turmoil right now.  I was relieved and actually pretty happy at being let go.  But it's sinking in that I may not have my severance until after Thanksgiving.  I can't figure out what I want to do. 


Ideally, I'd stay home, go back to school, get my Oracle certification and have Z. home with me at least part time.  I've found the courses I need to prep for my certification.  It would only take 2 semesters and less than $1000.  But if I'm going to to do this, I want to do it right.  There are a lot of good business courses out there and Technology Professionals classes I could definitely benefit from.  It would be nice to come out of this with an actual degree, not just prepared for a certification.


It's daunting to think about going back as a full time student at 35 though.  My little brother has been a good inspiration on me.  He knows what he wants and he's going for it.  He definitely does not lack the courage of his convictions and he's going to make an awesome lawyer.  He has always been a stronger person than me though.  I don't think he knows it, or how I look up to him.  Or how sorry I am and how much regret I have for our childhood.  


Everybody is wigging that I haven't started an intense job search.  My take on this?  My severance, even after taxes, is enough to cover our rent through June easily.  We can live off hubby's paycheck easily.  In the last two years, I've worked more nights and weekends and holidays.  I'm not motivated to go back to work right away.  


The problem is I have a complete lack of motivation for just about anything right now.  I was buzzed at the prospect of free time to unpack and to spend time with Z.  After the whirlwind of the week after getting laid off, I was literally knocked on my rear and spent a week in bed.  This week?  I've spent it in front of the computer.  Gaming, researching schools, gaming, and wiki-walking and not sleeping, or sleeping all day.   If I take anything to help me sleep, I sleep all day.  If I don't, I'm up all night.  Being as it's 2:30 in the morning looks like it's going to be another up all night.  I just realized that other than going into the backyard to watch Z on her trampoline, I haven't left the house since the 29th.


I need to get off the roller coaster.  My S.A.D. is here.  I feel angry or asleep on my feet.  The new meds are not working.  Or maybe they are and it's just me that's broken.  I need to find a new shrink.  I've needed to find a new shrink for a long time.  Again, I lack motivation.  Or more likely I just don't want to look that deep into myself right now.  It isn't pretty.  I look at myself physically and try to look into myself mentally and I'm disgusted either way.  I'm just feeling ugly and grotesque right now.  I don't know if I want to go through the motions of finding another doc to talk to, to trust, or what I expect to gain.


In all the years I saw Julie, we talked about everything and I trusted her, but she gave up on me.  She told me she couldn't help me anymore.  I don't see that as a failure on her part, but one on mine, because I didn't know what I wanted.  I still don't.  Maybe it is time to figure that out first.  


I just really need some support, someone I can trust, and gods above what I wouldn't give for a little guidance right now.  Everyone has an opinion, but no one really offers any guidance.  I feel childish wanting somebody to turn me in the right direction.  Not tell me what to do, but just point me in the right direction and help me a little along the way.  Give me a word of encouragement now and then.  


It's times like these when I can understand why Christians turn to God and faith to help them get through their trials, or why addicts have sponsors.  Is there a 12-step program to get people through depression?  Can I have a sponsor to talk to, someone to support me through the rough times without getting uncomfortable or wigging out?

Downsized and Dreams

This has been the weirdest year.  I'm just not sure what to make of anything anymore.  So my year to date . . . 

• Mother-in-law died
• Grandma died
• Met my sister-in-law
• We lost the house
• We moved into a rental packing 5 years up in about 3 weeks
• Went on vacation that was just fun, but just off.
• A friend I've had for going on 14 years, but haven't talked to in 4 contacted me out of the blue.
• Had at least 2 major management changes at work
• Worked an insane number of hours again throughout the year
• Went through crazy management changes, replacing the worst manager I've ever worked with with her mini-me
• Was laid off on 10/24/2011 due to an effort to decrease spending in my division.

I just don't know what to expect anymore.  I had a very very strong feeling that I was going to be laid off.  The pressure that was put on me to finish my knowledge transfer in the 2 weeks between moving and vacation and in the week since I've been back was just insane.  I put in 116 hours in the 2 weeks before going on vacation working on documentation and training.  

But the bottom line?  I'm relieved.  I'm relieved to be done with the stress of having so much on my plate.  I'm relieved that I don't have to feel like I'm being second guessed on what I'm doing.  I'm relieved that I might get my friendship back with T.  

Most of all, I'm excited at the idea of spending time with Zoe and being a mom and wife.  One of my highest priorities for the new job?  It has to give me time for a work/life balance and time to be a mom.  

The second priority?  I get to break stuff and find bugs.  I really want to continue with UAT/QA/Development.  If I had the money, I'd pay to go out to San Diego and do the Blaze training myself. I loved what I was learning in interpreting the FICO code.  I want to continue with that.  I want to continue working in PL/SQL and improving my skills until I can do complex database design and programming and be a developer.  I want to learn new SQL tools.  I want to learn new programs to help with designing and implementing test cases.

There is a part of me that is wondering about going back to school in the fall and being a full time student.  Could I get the aid and/or loans to do it?  Do I have the self discipline to finish this time?  Will I learn what I need to in order to be competitive?

I feel like most of this year I've been waiting for the "other shoe" to drop.  I think it finally has.  It's like this whole year has been building up to this.

There is also a little part of me that is just sitting back and chuckling wanting to hear how seriously screwed up things at work get.  In a perfect world the newbies would pick up and take off immediately and it would be seamless.  In reality, they just lost 3 years of knowledge and 1 of two people that had a clue about FICO the BRE outside the dev team and the only one on the team that had 95% of the business rules memorized.

I slept today for the first time in weeks.  My mistake was picking up a really good book on my Nook last night.  There is a part of me that misses kink so much I could just scream.  This book of course was about kink.  It's more about the psychology and thoughts behind it than the blatant sexuality like most bodice rippers.

Needless to say it led to some crazy dreams.  Nothing will get the picture of Andre Leon Talley dressed in a blue kimono and a crescent moon headpiece/hat/looks-like-it-should-be-in-cirque and light blue shimmery facepaint appearing in my door and hearing someone asking him "Andre are you truly ready to spread your butterfly wings for the first time?", out of my memory for a while.

How a crescent moon equates to a cocoon is dream logic to me. 

I think there really was a series of dreams that all kind of ran into each other.  One was about a metal foundry that was under our condo from vacation.  The floor was so hot, I dropped a hammer and it went right through the floor.  When the hammer hit the floor it set off a chain reaction that ended up with a major explosion, not at our condo, but at the foundry owner's mansion.  There was sulfur being used to color the glass being made using the heat from the molten metal.  It made the glass poisonous and if the glass shattered and hit the molten metal, it would cause poison gasses to expand, eventually leading to the floor of our condo melting.

We chased the suspect glass all the way back to the owner's mansion, but that was in smoking ruins by the time we got close.

So while we were trying to get close, I ended up walking through the street pushing Zoe in an umbrella stroller.  She was maybe 15-18 months old.  We were at some kind of street carnival and she was trick-or-treating from inside the stroller.  We went past one stand that had bins of candy, but they were all drug laced.  The stereotypical Latino drug pushers were mad because I avoided them and started to chase us.  It was a ruse though.  They were really trying to help me get to the metal owner's house.

There was a car chase in these Smart Car looking funky automobiles through Escherland, but we finally ended up in this area with all these mansions.  I don't know even know if I can describe it.  Picture a chessboard with alternating shades of light green and dark green grass as the squares.  On each square was an amazing property.  Castles and mansions and lakes.  All of them ha a grass walkway around the back side of the property and all of them had a pool.  Of course as I pushed the stroller by, synchronized swimmers dove off a multitude of diving boards into the water.

Until we got to this one house.  The had a slip-n-slid instead of a diving board.  The dad was sliding into the pool, but he kind of missed and ended up knocking Z and I onto the slip-n-slide instead, with his foot literally up my rear.

I went inside to clean up and ran into his son.  I was in my 20s again and so was the son, so all was well.  From there it was like watching an episode of "Revenge".  Son was interested in art, not going to work for his dad, i was helping to facilitate that interest.  The matriarch of the clan was a senator.  There was a teenage daughter and a young son about Z's age.  The mother was a socialite, very unhappy, and dominated by her Mother-in-Law the Senator.

At some point in the dream, my hubby and I started fighting.  That's where things started to get kinky.  Half this dream I was married and the other half I was not.  During the "not" part, the kid, I think he was going by Danny, and I was were madly in love, but it was forbidden love because the matriarch didn't approve.  Danny and I decided that we didn't give a damn and it was time to change things.

So we ended up at a condo his friend owned.  This was going to be a training party.  Danny and I had never had sex so we were going to at this party.  There was initially only one other couple.  It was one of those dream things where you "know" them but don't really have a clue who they are.  They were definitely into Dom/Sub role when we arrived.  I immediately went sub and followed the dom's command to disrobe.  Somehow this meant leaving a black nightie though.

Danny was naked though.  Things were about to get started when Andre showed up.  From there it got weird.  There was this incredible erotic energy to the dream, but no sex.  There was something about having to make a run to the grocery store for lube and having to hold thin slices of slimy cucumber in my mouth while on my hands and knees.  A nurse showed up to give everyone flu shots, but kept giving me shots incorrectly and whipped me with a belt because I was moving to much when she tried to give me a shot.

There was more to it, but it's fading out.  I do remember hubby leaving me stranded at our condo to finish packing while he took Z to Disneyland.  I was not happy about that.  Especially since it was November and snowing.

There was more to these dreams, but I woke up with one hell of a headache,  frustrated and unsatisfied.  

Yep I need to get back into therapy.